It Hurts

It hurts to think it’s almost been a year.
It hurts when I think back to Christmas Day 2021, not knowing it would be the last time I would see him, and hear him say “I love you darlin”.
It hurts when December 3rd hits, it hurts because our Nan passed away, and not knowing only 3 weeks later our Dad would follow.
It hurts so fucken bad when I think back to that phone call a year ago and having to break that news to my sisters. A level of pain I had never before experienced.
It hurts to see my sisters in pain, a pain that I can’t fix. I’ve lived my life trying my hardest to protect them, but from a broken heart, I cannot.
It hurts when I think of my cousin Nath finding our Dad and trying to bring him back.
It hurts when I’m triggered. All. The. Time.
It hurts when I feel guilty reflecting on the shoulda, coulda, woulda.
It hurts when my nieces and nephews and moko recall how they miss their koko, how he loved them all so much, he spoilt them rotten. He would literally drop everything for any of us, always.
It hurts that I can’t control my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, it makes no sense and it’s overwhelming.
It hurts as I write this, it hurts as I read this.
It hurts, everything fucken hurts.
My heart hurts it’s so tight, my throat hurts from holding in all that I want to say, my jaw hurts from being clenched so tight, my eyes hurt from all the tears.
It hurts that Christmas time this year and for many years to come will be painful asf.
It hurts that grief changes you. It changes the way you think, the way you feel, the way you behave, and you will never ever be the same.
I am grateful that we are going up the coast to be by our Dad on the anniversary of his passing. To sing for him, to tell him stories, to be together. All he ever wanted was his whānau to be together. It will hurt like fuck, but we will be together.
He is resting in paradise, the most beautiful resting place for a rangatira and he would be proud.
Life is short, say the things that need to be said, do the things that need to be done, love the ones that need to be loved, hold them a little longer and a little tighter while you can ❤️

T x